I would like to write a blog post here that somehow brings you up-to-speed on my life over the past few months, but that also leaves you feeling some sort of peace or inspiration afterwards. That’s what I’ve always hoped to do here on The Sunlit Path: to uplift or encourage you, dear readers, if I can. As well as myself.
Unfortunately, I appear incapable of writing anything these days that isn’t directly related to the unending list of work deliverables piled up in front of me (and believe me, it is actually a lot of writing…it’s just a very different kind of writing).
That leaves me feeling like I should apologize. Across the board…and to everyone.
“I’m sorry…have we not met? I’m Ember. Let me just start right off by apologizing for any future things I will not do well enough.”
An apology for the Mom I am not, the Employee I am not, the Wife I am not, the Daughter I am not…the Sister I am not…the Friend I am not…
I don’t have a lot of time and space in my life right now for inspiration. (Can you tell?)
I want to change that. I do. I just don’t know how.
I keep trying to do just that—to find pockets of time in my day to sit with myself and be—but it feels forced. It usually happens around 10 p.m. at night…after a full day of drop-offs and commutes, errands and conference calls, hours spent at the computer —trying to make sense out of chaos, dinner-making and homework overseeing, baths-books-bedtime, and even a return to work responsibilities for an hour or two, before I flip that switch over to “me” time.
Lately, by then that “me” time consists of reading a few pages of my book, checking out what I missed all day on social media, maybe watching a show, then stumbling to bed.
Don’t you feel inspired? Uplifted? I have so much to give lately.
I’d love to be able to share with you all about how well I’m balancing it all, and feeling great about it. “I’m figuring it out, you guys!” Except…you know I’ve written before about how I believe balance is a fallacy.
To be honest, these days I mostly just feel tired. And apologetic. Cut off from my family and friends (but oh-so-grateful for the work friends who have become like family to me). Accomplishing what I need to do for work, thankfully, even if it’s kicking my ass, but then holding on so tight to those precious little girls of mine in the evenings. Nodding and smiling wryly at my understanding husband as we share the details of our work days. Hoping that those brief moments with the ones I love are enough.
They don’t feel like enough.
I don’t feel like enough.
But, for now, it’s going to have to be…good enough.